What if you met your younger self?

A few months ago, I received a gift. I got to see myself for the first time, in the midst of girlhood, through long lost home videos my dad had filmed. Who I was twenty years ago… I forgot she was in me all along. Seeing her sweetness and curiosity, I started to accept myself as an adult for the first time and forgive myself for being so imperfect. I started healing inner child wounds I had been carrying for twenty years. 

I wish we could all have long lost footage given to us when we need it. When we need to remember how to live fully and joyfully, as our younger selves would have wanted us to.

If you got to have a conversation with your eight-year-old self, how do you think it would go? Would your childhood self be proud of you? They probably wouldn’t be a harsh critic. They’d probably be amazed at everything you’ve experienced. 

Maybe you’d also look at your younger self and feel more compassion. Maybe you’d see how the fears you let grow from that age were amplified by the outside world. Maybe it was social expectations that taught you to limit yourself, or even to hate yourself, when there was nothing wrong with you to begin with.

When we were children, of course we just experienced life from our own perspective. In the midst of difficulties, we were so close to our problems that we didn’t have a wide lens view to realize how precious that moment in time was. We gain that wider lens as we age.

Life and aging is such a mystifying experience. We constantly bounce between pain and love. And then we get older and wonder, what was it all for?

Seeing myself from this perspective, with my dad holding the camera, I also saw myself from a parent’s perspective. I was so lucky to have a loving family, and I know not everyone is so lucky. Being a child is hard enough and having a difficult upbringing amplifies that. 

As complicated as life is though, some truths about it are simple. Back then, all I wanted was to have a purpose and to be loved. That’s still all I want. I think that’s what most of us want. 

One clip of my brother and I playing in the snow is so heartwarming, until everything goes wrong. I try to play with my family, but I can't figure out how to pack the snow into a snowball. It keeps exploding in my hands, and I have a complete meltdown. 

I can feel her anger and shame. I’m positive that I can’t do anything right. When I watched this recently, I felt embarrassed by her reaction, but then I felt such compassion. Because the truth is that feeling of incompetence and wanting to be included is such a unifying feeling of being human that most of us know very well. 

Even then, the need to do things well and strive for perfection was crippling. Getting older offers the benefit of experience. When we’ve seen something before, we can approach it with confidence. But even as an adult, when I’m thrown a hurdle that’s unfamiliar, I feel that girl inside me who just can’t get a grip on her emotions.

In one second we can experience utter bliss and in the next, catapult into an oblivion of fear and pain. The most pain we experience though is refusing our current circumstances or feeling anger that once again life has disappointed us. As soon as we soften and acknowledge we don’t know what we’re doing, we might notice the helping hand of someone around us who knows how to pack the snow for us.

If you sat down now and spent a few minutes contemplating yourself at seven or eight years old, would you see yourself differently? If your younger self got to meet you now, the chances are they wouldn’t be disappointed in you. Your younger self would want to hug you and ask you so many questions. You have so much wisdom that would amaze your younger self. 

Think about what sparked joy for you then, what you desired the most. That’s probably what you should be doing now. What were those hobbies that made you lose track of time? Where did that playful side of you go? 

As we get older, most of us become weighed down by the weight of the world, feeling tired, stuck, jaded. The responsibility of paying bills, showing up to work, maybe even endlessly looking for work - it’s so easy to disconnect from what lights us up. Because there’s not enough time, and too much pulls our attention away from the present moment.

But the world deserves your joy. When you do things that make you happy, everyone around you benefits. It’s not selfish to make time for the things you love. Your happiness is worth fighting for.

I hope you imagine yourself as a child and that you start doing what lit you up then, today. 

That’s what your younger self would want for you :)